Day 5 (Cross posted from Prince and Valkyrie)

sadly01-by-timepunchingLast night and this morning saw a flurry of activity. I’m trying to write as much as possible because of an upcoming trip. I doubt I’ll get much writing done except on the plane to and from my vacation spot. I’ve written 8,710 words so far of the story, and I expect more to come. I’ll probably slow down a little starting tonight, as I need to finish packing and various other things before I leave early Friday morning.

I’m debating on bringing the laptop with me. I’d rather not, as it’s older and a bit clunky. I’d rather take my ipad but that’s out of commission for the moment. The other option would be to keep writing and add the word count after the fact. All I need to do is mark the beginning and ending of each section with the date. I did check to see if there was an app, but the only ones I found cost something. That cost isn’t much, but I’m trying to save as much money as possible for car repairs. There is the option of accessing the site through my phone, but I’ve been far too lazy to check. I’ll figure something out.

In the meantime, I hope the rest of you are enjoying your time and the best of luck to my fell WriMo’s!

NaNoWriMo Day 1

stock-illustration-10043187-grunge-eagle-crestCross Posted from The Prince and the Valkyrie

I actually started writing at midnight. For whatever reason I couldn’t sleep. I had “The Forsyte Saga” playing in the background as I wrote. Surprisingly, the prologue came after I wrote about one thousand words. It’s right in the middle of the first two thousand words I wrote so early in the morning and it amuses me a great deal.

That being said, the story is coming along quite well. There are a couple of rough spots, but those can be smoothed out once the story is finished. My favourite part so far has been writing the encounters between the two title characters and how the prince’s family handles the aftermath of said encounters.

Right now, the story seems more character driven than a fight against “evil” but I have some ideas swirling about in the back of my mind that the muse has been presenting to me. Things will take interesting turns, especially with the history of the Valkyrie. Stay tuned for more updates as things happen!

It Really is the Small Things

write by osmandiasI’m feeling rather productive and accomplished at the moment. I finished another character questionnaire, and that makes me feel better about the progress of Blackbird. Hell, since switching the POV the outline has been a hell of a lot easier to write. I think Vaera was never meant to tell the story. I think it needed to come from the storyteller, and Cinnia is definitely that.

Work wise, this week was pretty rough. Systems crashing, people being sick, work force not understanding that if they send people home that there will be calls in the queue and we’ll end up in Code Red, etc. I almost didn’t go to fencing practice yesterday, I was so burnt out. When I came home today, I immediately changed, sat down on the couch, and finished Young Justice on Netflix. Afterward, I made sure to work on something story related.

Just finishing that one thing for Blackbird made me feel so much better. I feel as though I’ve made a positive step and things are going forward, albeit slowly. I’m okay with slow. Slow is good. Slow is better than nothing at all.

I’m off to go watch John Carter and maybe write a little more. Enjoy your evening!

 

Where: In front of the computer
Feeling: Accomplished
Melody: John Carter playing in the background

 

In Which My Thoughts Ramble About

zoe06 by timepunchingI can’t stand the fact that right now when I look at a blank piece of paper, nothing comes to mind. I want to write, but I’m struggling to form something longer than a few sentences. A friend of mine did give me an idea for a drabble outside of the CA universe and The Writer’s Parlor suggested that maybe I need to spend some time outside of the story universe for a little bit. I’m thinking of taking her advice and see where the muse will take me. It could be that while I’m not burned out on the project (the outline is coming along amazingly now that I’ve changed who the narrator is), it could be that she isn’t quite ready to write the story I have in mind. She may need a warm up and need to play in another area. 7th Sea, here I come!

I think the other problem is that when I come home, the first thing I do is turn on Netflix. I tell myself I need the noise, but if that’s the case, I should turn on pandora and play music. I don’t remember having this problem before. Then again, this is the first time I’ve ever truly lived alone. There’s always been someone with me in a residence. It could be that on a subconscious level that I miss having someone in the house with me. Watching TV shows on Netflix makes it seem as though there’s someone in the house. The idea appears to have back fired on me and now I watch the TV shows instead of working on projects. I’m surprised that I get as much as I do finished.

A part of me misses the music. I have playlists that I’ve created for several characters, to include story arcs and stand alone stories. I’ve thought about going to a coffee shop or a book store with a reading/sitting area and working on some ideas, but then I think about the gas I have to spend. Normally not a big deal, but I have several things on my repair/upgrade list: my car, the dryer, the chandelier, the ceiling in the utility room… Well, you get the idea.

Work, while not difficult, is brain numbing. I return home and I want to sit and disengage my brain. I don’t want to think overly much. My thoughts revolve around gym time, shower, food, and bed. Fencing on Thursdays.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that there is a distinct lack of anyone to speak with and bounce ideas off of someone. I can be excited about my work all I want, but what I love most is talking about my ideas and where my stories are going. Of everything, I miss that the most.

 

Where: Moping about my home
Feeling: blah
Melody: Legend of Korra playing in the background

 

I’m Here

masque05 by timepunching I keep staring at the blank entry and I have no idea where to begin.

I started writing again.  It needs a lot of work, but I started writing.  I may post it to CA later, but for the moment I have it saved on a thumb drive.  I’ve also started working on an outline. 

I’m having to scrap Blackbird (or at least put it on hold), as I’m struggling to find Vaeramae’s voice. She’s there, but she eludes me.  For whatever reason, I can “hear” her when I write from someone else’s POV or from third person.  First person is just a mess. I still want to write the story, but it may be easier from someone else’s point of view.  Perhaps Cinnia (which is Celtic for “beauty” and seemed appropriate for one of the Fair Folk. I should also point out that for Cinnia, third person is a mess, but first person works fantastically well for her), who becomes involved in mortal affairs simply because she wanted something to do.  She readily admits that she’s not a hero.  She’s an observer, a storyteller.

I’m rereading The Princess Bride and I’m seriously considering picking up The Hunger Games trilogy.  I really enjoyed the first book and I’m anxious to borrow the next two from a friend of mine.  The present tense of the story threw me off a little, but once I was used to it, the story flowed.

 The big thing that’s looming over me is my ex dying.  I feel as though I’m on a death watch and I find that depressing. He’s trying to do as much as he can before his body gives out on him. All I seem to do day to day is wonder if he’s alive, if I’ll be getting that phone call. I feel like an awful person, but I don’t know what else to do. Death would be far easier than to watch someone slowly die. There’s nothing that can be done. Sure, he could extend his life by a year, but then what? Spend that final year paying off medical debt? Doesn’t seem like much of a choice. He’s done hurting, done fighting his body, done being on all manner of medication, and done feeling worse while being on said medication than when he’s not on them. I can understand his sentiment.

Short of the long: I have no idea what to do. We work really well as friends, but as romantic partners we were awful together. So we go to watch movies, catch a ball game, hang out with mutual friends, he plays as many miniature games as possible. All the while, he’s working on his will, getting his estate in order, picking out an executor for his will, and doing what he can.

It’s the feeling of helplessness that bothers me most. There are lots of things that could be done, but knowing that those procedures would only help for about six months to a year and prolong the pain I understand the decision to not do anything. I won’t go into the details, but I’ll leave it at the fact that I now weigh more than he does. He, who used to run marathons for fun.

I feel so lost.  I wish I didn’t.

Life is on its Ear and Spinning

1383472-1I know.  I haven’t been posting as often as I would like.  There’s been a lot of personal upheaval in my life.  It’s not necessarily bad.  There’s a lot of positive things changing, but it’s still throwing Life on its ear and spinning it.    I’m managing it all, as best I can.  I’ll start from the end of December and work from there.

The New Year’s Eve party was a lot fun, but I was still struggling.  I was happier since buying a car.  I was mobile and independent.  There was no need for me to call friends, see what they’re doing, and ask for help to do grocery shopping or run errands.  It was fantastic.  My ex-fiance wouldn’t leave me alone, taking my decision to be single as a sign that I wasn’t over him.  I was still behind on bills, but I was surviving.  There were a couple of people I dated, but they all ended poorly.  I aired my grievances, and I was told by a friend “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now.  I’m sure things will turn around for you soon, and then you’ll meet someone who isn’t such an ass.”  I didn’t realize at the time that those would be his last words to me.

January arrived with a cold snap that nearly killed the battery in my car.  It was so cold that the car wouldn’t start and I missed a day of work.  A few days later, I discovered that a close friend had a death in the family.  He was deeply affected by the death, as his grandfather was a huge influence in his life.  I also realized that week that I hate my job and it was causing more stress than I should probably handle.  One week later, my water heater blew and a little later that same week my friend who gave me words of hope took his own life.  The following week, I found out that a friend with terminal cancer died.  Work started to go to Hell in a hand basket as my supervisor did nothing to support me when I received a lot of backlash from my team for selection to be a mentor.  The issue escalated, and things have become increasingly  worse.  I’ve been looking for another job since December, but try as I might I seem unable to find another one.  I do not want to stay in a call center.  While I am able to better prepare myself for the stressors and I’m not having nearly an adverse reaction as I would to a brand new job, I’m still seeing the negative side effects of what this stress is doing to my body.

My birthday party and fencing practice were the only highlights of January that I can recall.  There was food and good company.  A friend brought his epee and dagger down and is letting me borrow Sabre_mg_6746them until I have money to buy my own.  I also have my very own fencing mask.  All I need now is duck or trigger cloth to create a hood and I can start using it.  I’m doing well fencing, but there is still difficulty.  My instructor who agreed to take me on as a student has been unable to attend practice for some time due to work.  I’m learning what I can from others, always asking for feedback, but in the back of my mind I wonder if even an effort will be made to attend my first major tournament.  I’m learning from others what I should be learning from him.  I find it rather discouraging.  I’ve discovered that I overthink while in the middle of a spar with someone.  To help, I talk.  There is nothing in the rules that says I’m not allowed to talk in the middle of a spar or in a tournament, so talk I shall.  I don’t over analyze things.  I act and react while talking about my week, funny stories, or ideas that I have brewing  about my head.  It’s been incredibly helpful.  What strikes me as surprising is how quickly I’ve been grasping onto concepts and applying them.  The comments I’ve received the most are that I adapt quickly and adjust accordingly; once one trick or move has been applied against me, fencers find it difficult to use it again; there is little to no hesitancy when moving around — be it in a circle, changing directions, or in a line — while fighting; and I don’t flinch when a blade passes close to my head.  Which reminds me, the tournament that was supposed to be this week was postponed to next week.  I’m hoping to do well.

February came with the realization that Valentine’s Day would be arriving soon and I would be alone.  There was a mixture of irritation and sorrow at this, but I’ve chosen to ignore it and focus on finding a new job and not loosing the one that I have right now. The feast the first weekend was a lot of fun with a middle eastern flavour.  There were tales from 1001 Arabian Nights, amazing food, and belly dancing.  Another cold snap passed through the following week and killed the battery in my car.  There’s a new battery in place and she’s running much better now.  I’m thankful that there was nothing else wrong other than the battery.

Through it all, I’ve been wanting to write.  The outline for Blackbird is coming along slowly.  I admit that concentrating has been difficult, but most of it is my fault.  I’ve preferred reading over writing, and I believe it’s a way for me to escape the troubles that seem to nip at my heels as of late.  I’m hoping a better job will be found and debt paid off soon.  I could use some good news.

I’m Really Bad At These

zone23 by timepunchingI should update more often, but I think the main problem is that I enjoy hand writting, and I have a lot of journals.  While I love blogging, yet I find that writing my thoughts down is somehow… freeing.  Far more than posting my thoughts online.

The holidays slipped passed.  It struck me afterward that they seemed far more like any other day than something that was long anticipated and a welcome change from the hum drum that seems so prevalent in our adult lives.  I actually relished the days alone on Christmas Day and New Year’s Day.  It was time for me to unwind and not worry constantly.

I did start working on an outline for Blackbird, and the results have been promisig.  I may be in over my head, but the thought behind it is that the story would be posted as serials, like what Burroughs and Lovecraft did.  I am a little worried that Vaeramae may be coming off as a bitch, but Serena made a very good point about how women are preceived not just in fiction but also in life.  After reading her post about the subject, I decided, “The hell with it” and will write her as I’ve envisioned her.

The biggest obstacle that I’ll be having is conveying that sense of aloofness and the gradual introduction of emotions back into her personality.  Given that I started the story in first person, as I write the outline, I’m beginning to wonder if switching to third person may be a better way to convey what I intend.  Yes, this will mean a rewrite, but I was already looking at that with how the outline was coming along.

Ah, well.  The troubles of being a writer.  Best to go for now.  Maybe I’ll update soon. ;)

So Goes the Week

1383472-1I had an interview on Friday and I think I did well.  Still, I’m wrestling with the inner demon that I completely fucked up the interview and I’m not getting the job.  I haven’t heard anything about the job yet, so I’m continuing forward and applying for more jobs.  As much as I don’t particularly care for it, I’m looking at jobs in the IT field.  I’m good at doing the job, I know my way around, and I wouldn’t need a whole lot to be caught up on.  I’d rather do something admin/clerical related, as the stress isn’t nearly as great (for me, at least).

I almost have everything I need for my case for disability.  All I need is the disability portfolio from the university to help prove that this is a long term disability and not something that readily goes away.  I *am* expecting to be turned down the first time, so I also want to figure out what I need to do for an appeal.

On the bright side, I’ve found more time to write and bring the condo into some form of livability.  The writing is still in the form of snippets, excerpts, random ideas, and drabbles.  Nothing definitive.  My apologizes.

I’m off to apply to a couple of more jobs before working on the condo again.

Good News, Bad News

20102724That tends to happen a lot, yes?  Bad news is that I realized that underwriting isn’t the job for me and I’ll more than likely need to be put on disability due to my fibro.  I quit on Monday and I began looking for new jobs.  Good news is that I have a month’s worth of pay coming in still.  Rent is covered until September.  All of my medical evals will be covered.

I feel as though I keep fucking up without meaning to actually fuck up.  I did give quitting a lot of thought.  It’s not that I hated my job.  Far from it.  I didn’t particularly care for it, either.  I was in that weird in-between place and work was beginning to overwhelm me.  The job was also stressing me out to the point that on any given day, chances were I was running a slight fever and my body ached.  Normally, not a big deal.  The pain has become background noise at this point.  Some days are worse than others.  It’s pain.  No more than that; however, as the job was directly effecting my health and a lot of the progress I made in the past year was being undone, it was in my best interest to quit.

I’m currently searching for jobs and I’m hoping to get call backs at some point.  Needless to say, it’s impacting my creativity a great deal.  The idea at the moment is to write drabbles and see if anything comes of it.  I’ll post what I come up with here. :)

Just know that I’m okay and I’m working on getting my feet back under me.