I know. I haven’t been posting as often as I would like. There’s been a lot of personal upheaval in my life. It’s not necessarily bad. There’s a lot of positive things changing, but it’s still throwing Life on its ear and spinning it. I’m managing it all, as best I can. I’ll start from the end of December and work from there.
The New Year’s Eve party was a lot fun, but I was still struggling. I was happier since buying a car. I was mobile and independent. There was no need for me to call friends, see what they’re doing, and ask for help to do grocery shopping or run errands. It was fantastic. My ex-fiance wouldn’t leave me alone, taking my decision to be single as a sign that I wasn’t over him. I was still behind on bills, but I was surviving. There were a couple of people I dated, but they all ended poorly. I aired my grievances, and I was told by a friend “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now. I’m sure things will turn around for you soon, and then you’ll meet someone who isn’t such an ass.” I didn’t realize at the time that those would be his last words to me.
January arrived with a cold snap that nearly killed the battery in my car. It was so cold that the car wouldn’t start and I missed a day of work. A few days later, I discovered that a close friend had a death in the family. He was deeply affected by the death, as his grandfather was a huge influence in his life. I also realized that week that I hate my job and it was causing more stress than I should probably handle. One week later, my water heater blew and a little later that same week my friend who gave me words of hope took his own life. The following week, I found out that a friend with terminal cancer died. Work started to go to Hell in a hand basket as my supervisor did nothing to support me when I received a lot of backlash from my team for selection to be a mentor. The issue escalated, and things have become increasingly worse. I’ve been looking for another job since December, but try as I might I seem unable to find another one. I do not want to stay in a call center. While I am able to better prepare myself for the stressors and I’m not having nearly an adverse reaction as I would to a brand new job, I’m still seeing the negative side effects of what this stress is doing to my body.
My birthday party and fencing practice were the only highlights of January that I can recall. There was food and good company. A friend brought his epee and dagger down and is letting me borrow 
them until I have money to buy my own. I also have my very own fencing mask. All I need now is duck or trigger cloth to create a hood and I can start using it. I’m doing well fencing, but there is still difficulty. My instructor who agreed to take me on as a student has been unable to attend practice for some time due to work. I’m learning what I can from others, always asking for feedback, but in the back of my mind I wonder if even an effort will be made to attend my first major tournament. I’m learning from others what I should be learning from him. I find it rather discouraging. I’ve discovered that I overthink while in the middle of a spar with someone. To help, I talk. There is nothing in the rules that says I’m not allowed to talk in the middle of a spar or in a tournament, so talk I shall. I don’t over analyze things. I act and react while talking about my week, funny stories, or ideas that I have brewing about my head. It’s been incredibly helpful. What strikes me as surprising is how quickly I’ve been grasping onto concepts and applying them. The comments I’ve received the most are that I adapt quickly and adjust accordingly; once one trick or move has been applied against me, fencers find it difficult to use it again; there is little to no hesitancy when moving around — be it in a circle, changing directions, or in a line — while fighting; and I don’t flinch when a blade passes close to my head. Which reminds me, the tournament that was supposed to be this week was postponed to next week. I’m hoping to do well.
February came with the realization that Valentine’s Day would be arriving soon and I would be alone. There was a mixture of irritation and sorrow at this, but I’ve chosen to ignore it and focus on finding a new job and not loosing the one that I have right now. The feast the first weekend was a lot of fun with a middle eastern flavour. There were tales from 1001 Arabian Nights, amazing food, and belly dancing. Another cold snap passed through the following week and killed the battery in my car. There’s a new battery in place and she’s running much better now. I’m thankful that there was nothing else wrong other than the battery.
Through it all, I’ve been wanting to write. The outline for Blackbird is coming along slowly. I admit that concentrating has been difficult, but most of it is my fault. I’ve preferred reading over writing, and I believe it’s a way for me to escape the troubles that seem to nip at my heels as of late. I’m hoping a better job will be found and debt paid off soon. I could use some good news.
Destinare 