I know I haven’t been updating lately.  The problem is that most everything that has happened has been so damn personal.

What I can tell you is that while I still hate my job, things are getting a little better.  Things are moving forward with narrowing down what’s physically wrong with me, I have a little of a financial buffer, fencing lessons are going well (I have the use of my left arm again!),  and I went to a Lacuna Coil concert just this past Friday.

I’ve been doing a lot of research and working on my outline, but it seems to be taking so long.  The heath issues are taking up the majority of my time.  While I’m not hurting nearly as much now that Spring is returning to my state, the stress of working is still taxing.  My joints end up hurting because I’m at a computer all day, and my body is still from sitting all day.  By the time I get home, all I want to do is eat dinner, shower, and go to bed.  It hurts and I feel like shit when I agree to go out and I have to tell people I can’t go.  There are some things I will do no matter what and make sure I have medication and the energy to do them.  I do it too often, though, and I could wind up in bed for days afterward.  There’s still the matter that doing so puts a bit of a strain on my body, and that is what I’m hoping the medical professionals can help me sort out.  All I want to do is work, enjoy hobbies, and be healthy.

In the hopes of ending things on a positive note, here are photos from the latest rapier tournament I attended.  Click on the photo to take a look!

The Trouble With Writing (x-posted)

Lately, any time I try to seriously write something, I’ve hated it.  Tear it apart, mark it up, throw it in the trash hate it.  Drabbles seem to be something completely different.  I’m able to write them without a problem and I’m fairly satisfied with them.  I wrote one drabble (feel free to click on the image below. Be warned: it’s NSFW) that I’m happy with.

There appears to be different advice circulating the internet to get around writer’s block; however, I don’t think this is writer’s block.  Not necessarily, at least.  I have a lot going on in my life at the moment, and it seems to take all of my energy to keep things under control (at least, as much control as I’m able to exert).  It could be that because the majority of my energies are focused elsewhere, working on a major project eludes me.

Maybe it’s the stress.  I’m looking for a new job.  It’s not that I hate it, but there’s no love or passion for it either.  It could also be the medical problems.  Fibromyalgia is trigged by stress a lot of the time, and my job is definitely stressing me out.  I can’t seem to wrap my head around it and I’m yelled at nearly every day for not completing my work.  All of the progress that I made in the past year is quickly coming undone.  In light of this, and the realization that all jobs will have their stressors, it may be in my best interest to see if disability is an option for me.  I moved into a new place, which is a relief in a way, but moving is always stressful.  It’s a nice little condo, but I don’t have everything that belongs to me in the condo just yet.  There’s more, but that’s not important.  It’s all of these stressors together that I believe are preventing me from making any positive progress in writing.

My thought is that the reason why I’m able to work on excerpts and drabbles is that they don’t require a long term commitment.  They take me somewhere between a couple of hours to a few days.  They’re a welcome distraction to all the seeming chaos going on around me.  That, I believe, is the key: the story requires too much of a commitment from me that I can’t afford to spare at the moment.

For now, I believe the best course of action is to follow the muse.  I’ll post any drabbles and excerpts here until I’m able to focus on Blackbird again.  My apologies, everyone.